Jesus Lives!


Warning! This transcript is not for the closed-minded but is non-denominational satire. Your beliefs are your own.

Daily Grail correspondent Angela Arch-Gabriel managed to track down the elusive Saviour who is now living Everywhere in a secret location in a ‘born-yet-again’ fashion and close to a Hub of Religious Fanaticism (H.O.R.F.) apparently pervading Western so-called ‘culture’.

We are pleased to give you a complete transcript interview with this enigmatic myth in the true style of modern media.

You can also view the video on YourTube*, in the Tube* and on the tube*, depending on your requirements and the availabilty of the services and the technological devices you own or can view over an unsuspecting shoulder. There are also pod-casts and worm-casts; i-pods, pea pods and seed pods. There are also i-pads, knee pads, sanitary………. for any senses you may have left after medication of any sort.

*Please note that CGI (Computer-generated imagery) is now mandatory for most ‘modern’ video so your vision of Jesus may not be the same as others.

You can also follow Jesus on Twittering to hear about His latest miracles and be a friend of Jesus on Facelessbook and other anti-social networking sites. Follow, like or dislike. You know it makes sense.

Any errors of typography in the following transcript will be due to the fact that Angela’s word-processor failed or she had to change the ribbon on her 1960 Olivetti typewriter as she can only type at ten words per minute (w.p.m.) using full or proper words and not indecipherable acronyms.

Transcript begins:

Angela: Hello, Jesus.

Jesus: Hello, Angela.

Angela: You have apparently been ‘born again’; could you please explain that?

Jesus: Well, Angela, that is the nature of my ‘being’. Without constant resurrection, I would be dead in the ground, as it were, is and always will be.

Angela: Your last visit was over two thousand years ago. Where have you been since then?

Jesus: Not quiet, let me assure you. I have a cross to bear, may I remind you. I have been very busy putting up posters proclaiming that I am still alive in nearly every church I have ‘come’ upon (if you will excuse the vernacular). Not all churches are the same, they don’t always recognise me as The Saviour of humankind, despite the fact that my namesakes have the same attributes…

Angela: What do you mean?

Jesus: Well, there are other religions who do not accept my presence or presents. Monotheism is a difficult concept for a lot of people. It even excludes (may I say it) the Truth of my Dad.

Angela: ‘Dad’ being God?

Jesus: Of course!

Angela: Let me ask you another question. You were crucified upon a cross. You were lain in a cave, of sorts. You were resurrected after three days. How come you are still here?

Jesus: My dear Angela. I had several ‘doubles’. Don’t you think that Dad, after all his mistakes didn’t think of that one? I had a lot of followers (there are no leaders, by the way). Some of them would have given their life for me. One did. He was stapled to a wooden cross and died pretty well, as far as I know for those who ‘get off’ on pain and anguish. It did rather well for the artistic fraternity, as well, I believe.

Angela: How did you escape the persecution?

Jesus: Well, after the Last Supper, which was actually my first, (since I had always been very poor), I managed to slip out by the bucket they used as a toilet (no-one was very flushed), and made it outside. There, a miracle happened and I was whisked away by my mother. She was the first Virgin Airlines.

Angela: What happened then?

Jesus: I must admit that I had a bit of a rest, even though Dad was working 24/7/365, I was still quite young. I know I was born when I was thirty but a year’s ministrations with total strangers was enough for me, anything longer would have created havoc with the astrological calendar. For me prophet was profit. Miracles were no cure for my ego. Raising the dead with plain flour instead of self-raising and inventing stories of Good Samaritans, took their toll.

Angela: You mentioned miracles. What sort of miracles did you do?

Jesus: That’s pretty complicated. Turning water into wine is one thing. Trying to walk on water, especially in these sandals, is very difficult. Trying to find food for thousands (I believe five) is another. What the impinging of a male sexual organ into the female counterpart could I do, saviour or not? Dad created the place in six bloomin’ days! What could I do? By Saturday, He was knackered! It seems I was left to do the deal with the Universe on my own!

Angela: To move on. How did you come by the name ‘Christ’?

Jesus: Well ‘Christ’ is actually a monicker for a position, that of a sort of ‘king’. So really, I should be referred to a Jesus the Christ. The word should not be taken as a surname.

Angela: You mentioned you were born when you were thirty years old. What did you mean by that?

Jesus: Well the early records of my birth were a travesty of misinformation being scratched on bits of stone by the illiterati with other bits of stone. Nazareth was actually little more than a watering hole, if it was there at all. There is no archaeological evidence for its existence. Even so, water was even more difficult to find than a stable. So I decided to make my birthday thirty years later and leave it enigmatically at that. I didn’t begin my ministry until then and that was only for a year. It was a sort of sabbatical from woodwork.

Angela: So where were you born?

Jesus: In the minds of men from previous stories they had heard. People used to tell stories around camp fires. It got pretty cold in the desert at night and anything for a laugh even if you were philosophical. You know; camp stories, camp food and drink, camp blokes…

Angela: What happened during the forty days and forty nights in the desert?

Jesus: A bit of a mistake, that. I actually got lost. I almost lost my marbles as well as my way. It was a difficult time watching all those carrion crows flying about and not knowing which direction to go. However, it did add to my mystique and that was a blessing, as it were.

Angela: There has been talk that you got married. How true is that?

Jesus: Well, I didn’t really have much time for women, it being a man’s world and I had all these disciples following me around like a bad smell and chucking unfortunates in the river for a wash as they were well past their smell-by-date. There were twelve of them, you know. As for marriage, well I won’t dwell on that, I’ll leave that for the speculators.

Angela: Are you still carrying on with your Good Works?

Jesus: As far as I know but the World is not good. Even Dad has to accept that his first efforts with this planet were a bit of a failure. I really haven’t been much of a help and I suppose I have been relying on all the old stuff holding up for too long.

Angela: Do you have any projects lined up for the future?

Jesus: Not really. It’s a full-time job keeping up with the past. After two thousand years, it may be time for my retirement, I suppose. Another couple of thousand years or so, perhaps forever; who knows. I would still carry on the P.R. work, of course.

Angela: Well, we appreciate your timeless.

Transcript ends.

Author: Peter K. Sharpen (C) 2013


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